Why I Started To Look Within Myself For Answers
Life begins at 40, or so they say? In 1932, the American psychologist Walter Pitkin published the self-help book Life Begins at Forty. The idea behind Pitkins words is once you have turned 40 you could look forward too many years of a fulfilling and happy life, there was one catch to this, happiness was provided only if you had positive thoughts. This was a pinnacle moment in my life I had just turned 40, I was negative about this number of middle age and I started to ask questions. Was I half way through my life? Had I created the life and career I really wanted? These questions bubbled beneath the surface and I could no longer deny answering them.
A few years before 40 I decided I wanted to go to New York to celebrate my birthday it was the city of Carrie Bradshaw who I loved in my 20’s. Carrie and I liked our money where we could see it hanging in the closet. I wanted to go to a concrete jungle where dreams are made of according to Jay-Z. A place where you can make it like Fredrik Eklund on Million Dollar Listings or create a Skinny Girl Empire like Bethany Frankel and hang out with The Real Housewives of New York. I never made it down 8th Street I simply never created moments to get me to any street in New York. Instead I spent it in a little hippie country town in Australia called Daylesford with rolling hills and a deep dark lake where dreams are made of in the form of day spas and tarot readings.
I entered the Tarot shop the day of my 40th birthday and was greeted by Luna with her booming umbrae curly hair, sitting amongst self-help books, crystals and the wafting smell of incense. I approached Luna with a big smile and bubbly personality, I secretly thought this approach would get me a better reading, after all she may read my aura and I wanted it to shine bright like a diamond. But inside I felt lost, if there were such a thing as an aura I was sure mine was grey not 50 shades of grey but just plain vanilla grey. I was not on my true path and I was yearning for change and I wanted the answers in a deck of cards, a deck that like Google maps would show me the exact steps I needed to the destination. I left the little shop that day with no real answers but I left with the thought that I was now going to seek my truth away from a deck of cards.
It was time to meet honesty, to look her square in the face eye to eye and ask what is my truth, do I even need a truth? Why can’t I just be satisfied by small insignificant moments? Being a woman, I was constantly surrounded by false truths that told me young and beautiful is the only thing worth having. After all it’s a billion-dollar industry comprising of seductive fashion, flawless cosmetics, age defining skincare, perfect plastic surgery, and Real Housewives. Slowly these toxic messages began to sink into me and enter my thoughts to become my reality. Look at your Instagram feed what is it really feeding you is it nourishing your thoughts? My Instagram account showed me ‘clean meals’ of Kale and blueberries smoothies being drunk by young bohemian women dressed in Spell and the Gypsy playsuits smiling as rays of sunshine hit their flawless complexion as they sat knowing the real meaning of life? Beyond the code, Instagram’s algorithms are built on perfection bringing the most magnificent images to the top of my feed to remind me just how much I need to improve my life if I wanted to be like them.
I had a deep darker secret I was living a lie and inside me, I began to feel this lie it was like a newborn baby cry, relentless and I did not know how to sooth it to give it a dose of truth. Life had been moving so quickly I could no longer waste it by not living my truth and following my heart. I certainly needed to listen to what Pitkin had to say and change my thoughts on this new journey. The tarot reader did not tell me that day that this was a time of reflection and a time of courage my first lesson was to live in the present and believe in myself. Something that was so simple, but so far away from how I was living.
The truth was for years I could be described as a day dreamer a round peg in a square pole, yes you are reading this correctly it says pole not hole I am dyslexic after all. I dreamed so much, I was living in my head and I was constantly living in the future worrying about what might happen if I made certain decisions or took risks in my career to live my truth. Fear and Future living ruled my life in fact you could say it was my life. Fear gave me a checklist of problems and catastrophes and each time I ticked off something on the checklist fear would add something else. Fear and its lists were relentless.
In order to change my life I had to change my thoughts and I found I was able to do this by writing my thoughts down and exploring them. I started to connect to the principals of Buddhism Taoism and studied what they meant. I found a Buddhist teacher and continued to learn from some amazing teachers like Wayne Dyer, Elizabeth Gilbert and Louise Hay.
I am in the process of writing about turning 40 and awakening for the first time. I have set out the intention to help others discover the light within them and follow their dreams.
I am connecting people to the light within them on my Facebook page and providing a free email list where I will email you a message from your North Star helping you connect to your heart.
